The monster within

Danger lurks around every corner
Peering through the doors
Cracks appear in broad daylight
And night offers no hope

Drenched in sweat as fears creep in
Flesh crawls from head to toe
The inescapable monster rears its head
Parades around and settles in

Good morning to you!
Good day and Goodnight!

If only you knew the fear that is my plight

From deep to deep the waters rush
Though murky they may be
The monster lurks and stomps around
Deep in the heart … of me

Why now do you come?
Why now rear your head?
Why set foot in this place?
You are not welcome here, you know?

But alas, I gave you space
Space to sit, space to grow
I gave you food, and you gained strength
This monster is my own

Each hurt brings fear
Each fear brings pain
Each pain nestles … deep in there

It grows and grows
It does not relent
‘Til at last it takes control
Of heart, mind, body and soul

Rebel my friend!
Rebel and repent!
Scream from within –
Do not let this pain take hold without consent

Withdraw consent and shout with me
Freedom we will proclaim
Healing, hope and forgiveness
Is found in Jesus’ name

No heights, no depths
No sin, no man
Can take you from his care

Rise up and face the monster
Show it that you do care

Be gone from here
Be gone right now
This space is not your own
It was bought for me so long ago
and I’ve decided to come home

 

 

Peace to you in all seasons,
Ang xx
Romans 8:37-39

Arise …

Arise. The word echoes through my heart.  

Arise. Stand up. Take your place.  Behold what lay ahead and walk forward with confidence.

In my mind I saw a great crowd of faceless men standing before me with arms linked as to form a barricade.  As I stood there I wondered if there was ever going to be a way forward.  Would there ever be progress.  Or would I be stuck?

As a light shone over the faceless crowd, a surge of strength came upon me.  

Arise. It calls again.

Arise and believe. Believe that you can. Believe that you have a place and a purpose in this world.  Believe that noone can thwart the good things that are in store.  Believe that no matter what your past there is comfort and shelter and belonging. You are not to be held back. 

Arise. Stand. Take that step.  

As I stepped out towards the crowd that I had feared for so long, each being took steps back and the crowd parted into two.  Like waves being parted the crowd lined a path through the darkness.  This crowd I feared became a great crowd of witnesses. Witness to my wakening. To courage.  To my standing. 

Arise. Shine.

Perhaps the places we fear to go are in fact the places of our hope and future. 

Perhaps like me you need to be reminded that fear is given power in darkness and that by shining light into those places we can be victorious. 

Perhaps you are the light in that place. 

Arise. Do not fear. 

Peace, Ang xx

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you … 

Isaiah 60:1

These small hands …

“These hands are beautiful and precious. With them you will do much good. You will do many great things that honour God.  God will use them to bring healing.” 

 – a dear friend xx

As my friend spoke these words I was simultaneously brought to tears and gripped with scorn. Yeah, right. Have you seen them. They’re pretty useless.

I hated them. I hated everything about them. I’d do anything to hide them.

My hands are a source of great pain and a visual reminder of a crippling disease. Small. Deformed. Crippled. Weak. Gumby…. you name it. Though surgical intervention has reduced the pain and allowed some function, they still remind me that not all is well in my body.

I look back at photos of myself at the age of 7 or 8 and tears roll down my face. I’m drawn to the small, swollen hands, on the brink of falling apart. Joints weakened by arthritis and bones so small they almost disappear. I see the beginning of the deformities. The memories are perhaps worse than the reality was at the time. I knew no different then. I didn’t know what was coming, nor the impact it would have.

I remember the joints dislocating (subluxing) and each time it becoming more crippling. They crippled quickly as a child and attempts were made to save the joints through ongoing splinting, occupational and physio therapy. But dislocations took time; most of the finger joints dislocating completely while I was in high school.

Sometimes I would sit on the bus in silent tears rubbing my joints, begging them to stay in alignment, knowing that they were mere days away from ‘falling off’. The synovial fluid would cause swelling, the tendons would slip and the bones would slip past the joint. Occasionally I could pull them back into alignment, but never for long. Splints were useless at this point. All I could do was wait to come of age for surgical intervention, and watch the rest of the joints ‘go’, one by one over the following decade until there was hardly a bone in its ‘rightful’ place.

The wrists did the same thing – the left one was particularly spectacular. The meta carpal bones essentially disintegrated and my hand all but fell off my wrist – the ulna was on top of my hand. The result is 2 fused wrists: one at 19 and the other at 23 (because in my pride I chose pain because I refused to be a 21  year old with 2 fused wrists).

After all the operations – Palm down, 2014

Palm up, 2014

My hands held me back. Grip failed frequently, resulting in embarrassments as drinks fell into my lap without any recognition from my brain as to what had happened. Piano keys now tapped one at a time, fingers mashing keyboards and clapping something representative of a monkey wearing mittens.

My 7 year old has bigger hands than me. My 4 year old is catching up!

My friend held my hands and spoke: “These hands are beautiful and precious. With them you will do much good. You will do many great things that honour God.  God will use them to bring healing.”   As she drew attention to my hands there were tears of doubt and pain. Deep hurts reflective of years of splinting, stiffness, stretching,  physical therapy, torture … Could they really be useful or of value. Could I be useful or of value? Ouch!

Interesting, isn’t it?! Somehow these words unlocked a world of pain that revealed something that was holding me back. Something I never thought to be ‘true’. I try not to let my body dictate who I am – I have known for a long time that I am far more than this vessel. I rebel against the system and make every effort to prove people wrong (more on that later). But perhaps there’s more; something so deep it went undetected…  perhaps there’s a sense of shame?

Could there be healing from these hands?  Could they hold the keys to freedom? What if these hands can reflect the heart – the heart that screams for grace and mercy. The heart that screams for peace and healing in this broken world.

On reflection, these are hands that:

• rub my children’s backs to connect and comfort
• holds their hands across the street to keep them safe
• prepares food to nourish
• bakes to bless
• gently rest on a friend’s shoulder to comfort
• write to bring hope

Somehow  these hands continue to function despite the pain, smallness, stiffness and deformity.

Will I ever be unashamed of the hands that have not seen healing? I don’t know, but perhaps in realising that though broken they are of value, there is hope.

My hands are small I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
– Jewel, “Hands”

 

Forgetting the ‘bad’?

I was challenged this morning by a passing statement. What I heard was that  God can make you forget the ‘bad things’ and that as Christians we should only speak of the goodness of God in life.  I may not have heard it correctly, but it sure got me thinking:

What was meant by this? That all ‘bad’ things in our lives should be discarded? Forgotten? Ignored? That God is infinitely good and we dare not mention the hard times? And why? Is God ‘scared’ by the ‘bad’ times?  What about His goodness through hard times? What about learning of His goodness through the hard time? Do we ignore the hard times or face them?

Try denying the hard times to a hurting world! The world longs to know where God is in the hard times. How will it help if we run around ignoring the existence of hard times?

Or was the statement suggesting that we are to forget the ‘bad’ things we have done? – That because we are forgiven we should no longer think of our shortcomings? What about learning from our mistakes? Learning through hard times? Helping others who share a similar journey?

Now, don’t get me wrong on this from the start – as believers, we have a lot to be thankful for, and God is infinitely greater than our circumstances. But, I really struggle to believe that we are to stay silent about our struggles along the way. How can we spur each other on if we are not free to engage the pain? I have known a great depth of pain and have seen the goodness of God and know His hand of grace. I want to share that!

I have learned many a lesson in the hardest times of my life. While I may want to forget, and have been healed from many hurts from these times, I am still left with the memory of them. The memories often spur me to change – to think differently, to care more, to see more of God, myself and others.

I think that I have come out of each ‘bad’ or ‘hard’ situation with something new, hopefully something positive.  Circumstances change us and I often find myself presented with a choice in tough times: to forgive, to seek healing, to ‘press on’, or to mope, become bitter and resentful. Of course, not all circumstances come upon us by a direct choice (either our own, or by another).  Yet, the choices remain – seek healing, press on or become bitter and resentful. We may not choose our circumstances, but we can choose our responses.

If we forget these things completely, we are left without a testimony. How can we share where we have come from and tell of  all the good things God has done if we no longer remember the ‘bad’ time  – whether it be trial, sadness or the perils of the past? How can we move forward and make better decisions if we are no longer aware of the consequences of certain actions?  How can we rejoice if we can’t look back at where we have come from?

Regarding sin or ‘bad’ choices, I absolutely believe that God remembers our sin no more: that we are free from condemnation, forgiven and whole. In Christ, we have a new life and can walk in a new found freedom. However, it is the journey into the understanding of this forgiveness that propels us to change – to becoming the thief on the cross asking to be taken to paradise. In understanding grace, we look forward and ‘press on to the goal before us’.

If God chooses to remember our sins no more, perhaps I can learn from this and choose to do the same. That is, not to forget the lesson, but to ‘forget’ the eternal consequences, since they have been crucified with Christ. Rather than remembering my failing, I can remember His grace and press on to living differently.

As I look over my life I can see that the pain and sting of many a ‘bad’ or ‘hard’ time has diminished, if not forgotten, but the memory of the events and situations remain.  I can testify to the faithfulness of God in that He has seen me through many a painful situation. His love never fails, even when mine does. He is faithful even when there are deep betrayals. He is present when others are absent… He is good. I learn more and more about His character through the good times, and the ‘bad’. In fact, I dare say it’s the valleys and the ‘bad’ times where I have learned the most precious things.

So, in the end I would disagree with the sentiment of the statement: I would not want to forget all the ‘bad’ times, particularly if it meant not learning from them.  But, I agree that we are to proclaim God’s goodness – in all times and in all seasons!

His goodness is evident in the valleys and on the mountaintops, in our faithfulness and our failures. It is in the depths of pain and the heights of rejoicing.  He is steadfast and spurs us on to new things.

May we never forget where we have come from and what He has brought us through.  Let us celebrate the goodness of God and what has been achieved in spite of failures.  Let us look forward and not be held back by thoughts that would otherwise keep us locked in the pain of the past. May we find freedom and hope in the journey and share that freedom with others!

As we go through ‘bad’ things:

May we allow God to take those sins and know that He remembers them no more

May we forgive – ourselves and others

May God heal and bring freedom where others have hurt us or we have kept ourselves from moving forward

May we share our journey with others –joys and sorrows alike

May we delight and share in God’s goodness! Remember all He has done!

May we leave the pain of the past behind and ‘press on to the goal that lies before us:  to the new things ahead!

May we trust Him for what is yet to come!

I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:13)

Peace, my child

(Written in 2011)

Peace, my child: be still

Your life is in my hands

I am always with you

And I have a plan

 

It is my grace that allows your pain

I know it will be for your gain

Though now it hurts and aches within

My love has already covered this sin

 

Your faith in me is true

And in this trial it will be proved

Your strength is found in me

It is I alone who will bring you through

 

Peace, my child: be still

Stand firm my child and know

That I am the Lord, your God

It is I that loves you so

 

Never will I leave you

Never will I forsake

That which I began in you

I will continue to create

 

Precious to me is your heart

Greater than gold is your faith

Walk in my ways

And let me breathe into you my grace

 

Peace, my child: be still

Though you do not understand

Rest in me and know

Your life is in my hands

 

Many are the plans of man

Many the hurts as well

Lift up your eyes to me

And a story I will tell

 

My thoughts and ways are higher

Much greater than you can know

Your life is now mine

You are a treasure and pure as snow

 

For this Christ died

And His love is made known

In your pain, my child:

You will never be alone

 

Peace, my child, be still

Peace, my child and know

Your life is in my hands

I will not let you go

Have you seen your heart today?

Have you seen your heart today?
Do you know it’s there?
Will you let Him drive your fears away
And show you that He cares?

For, though you may only see
Darkness and despair,
He has created you to be
A man who is strong, just and fair

Though I see a man who is broken
And struggling along the way
It will not last forever
As the potter molds the clay

I have seen your heart today
Though you may not understand
It was made by our God you see,
And not by the hands of man

He did not give you a heart of stone
But one of flesh and blood
You do not journey in this alone
He will fill your heart with love

Though in it there is much pain,
Remember – it is so –
That pain is like Darwin rain:
Guaranteed to come, and guaranteed to go

There is no fear in love my friend
Nor condemnation nor pride
To His throne my prayers I send
And promise to stand by your side

You will find peace and freedom
This much I do know
To all those in His Kingdom
He promises to indwell and grow

You have a contrite spirit
And a yearning to be –
Free and wild and full of life
To be all you were created to be …

I have seen your heart today
Though you may not understand
All the fears have gone away
And He holds it in His hands